so, this is what I'm in for
every night for the rest of my short life
talking at the windows of the cities
that don't talk back, and worse
demand to be continuously talked to
I have nothing more to say to glass
just a spirit within me that wants to break through
through the panes of world, man, everyday living
it really isn't that easy getting on with people
the whole world is out of the whole mind that we see displayed
that is quite a mind, we eat that mind up
and I want to be of another mind
the one that floats
and listens
and is still
and can sway at night and drink, and think how it wants to
freedom of spirit
but what is that spirit
won't find it in the drink, or the city night, or the chats
but will find it when still and ready to find
I know it won't be like the other ones and that makes me glad
and almost proud
like a father with a special child
proud that the spirit is different and weird and transcendental and hated and magnificent
that is success in the world
and that is what the world weirdly calls the goal
the dream
the end of the road
if at the end of the road I find scorn
but I find the sunrise
give me death in utter, serene happiness of a life that was lived
and was scorned
Saturday, April 4, 2009
the soul screams
lions of the night
roaring down the highway of lovely forgotten green early morning
the night lions that people ignore and turn in comfortable
nope, have to wake up healthy and alive
but it is at night that the soul screams
and yanks at heaven for the answer
tell me what I am supposed to do, Lord
just don't let me fall asleep without knowing
or worse
caring
you know me
I'd much rather drink, and ache, and blabber, and toil through the night
listening
than go to sleep
happy with myself
this night is no different from the others
it has its lions and its demons and its angels
and I never would have known that
had I gone to bed at a decent hour
like the rest
roaring down the highway of lovely forgotten green early morning
the night lions that people ignore and turn in comfortable
nope, have to wake up healthy and alive
but it is at night that the soul screams
and yanks at heaven for the answer
tell me what I am supposed to do, Lord
just don't let me fall asleep without knowing
or worse
caring
you know me
I'd much rather drink, and ache, and blabber, and toil through the night
listening
than go to sleep
happy with myself
this night is no different from the others
it has its lions and its demons and its angels
and I never would have known that
had I gone to bed at a decent hour
like the rest
not one and not the other
one more tumbling mind-fuck into a drunk night
my stomach hurts
I often think that something is amiss in my body
liver? But I don't know what side that's on
the stomach itself? Can a boy drink himself dead at 26 through the stomach?
there are strange rumblings and pains
but still I drink
my fear is that I truly will become like the men I grew up in admiration of
the ones that wrote well and died with the drink in their bellies
sometimes I fear it so much that I'll die because (in fact) I don't even have a gal bladder anymore
but it doesn't stop me
and I push on towards either
good writing
or
painful death
God have mercy,
let it be both together
not one and not the other
my stomach hurts
I often think that something is amiss in my body
liver? But I don't know what side that's on
the stomach itself? Can a boy drink himself dead at 26 through the stomach?
there are strange rumblings and pains
but still I drink
my fear is that I truly will become like the men I grew up in admiration of
the ones that wrote well and died with the drink in their bellies
sometimes I fear it so much that I'll die because (in fact) I don't even have a gal bladder anymore
but it doesn't stop me
and I push on towards either
good writing
or
painful death
God have mercy,
let it be both together
not one and not the other
Thursday, April 2, 2009
racing up the coast
racing up the coast
laughing
spirits come out and teeth are smiling at the day
he swims in the ocean
dunes rise up and roll around our souls
tossed around the surf, the whole big liquid bowl in God's dishwasher
the sand in hair and kites on the eyes above windblown hair
on lines, tethers to the heart and tugging our very own strings
twirling things on the salty sky
squinting to the sun squinting back at us
pats our shoulders
always the coast in our minds, even in sleep
out windows of life
window sills of eternal happiness
painted love white
there with the potted plants and little shovels
time eternal
gazing through morning mist and howling night
forever racing out over the coast
laughing
spirits come out and teeth are smiling at the day
he swims in the ocean
dunes rise up and roll around our souls
tossed around the surf, the whole big liquid bowl in God's dishwasher
the sand in hair and kites on the eyes above windblown hair
on lines, tethers to the heart and tugging our very own strings
twirling things on the salty sky
squinting to the sun squinting back at us
pats our shoulders
always the coast in our minds, even in sleep
out windows of life
window sills of eternal happiness
painted love white
there with the potted plants and little shovels
time eternal
gazing through morning mist and howling night
forever racing out over the coast
home is where we belong
let every moment be walking out of the cities
get thee to a high place and contemplate the star-studded valleys
the lights can be beautiful, it just takes getting far enough away from them
the glimmering violence
the silent sex
the whoosh over the hills that is cars out to kill each other
but up here it is the hum of forward and backward movement
the forest of the mind
the sparkle in eyes of your gone youth
oh, sadness
and farewell to that gone youth
what the next step is can't be known
with youth, patience
now, growing old
not knowing is time
and time is money
evil, sour money
let money be not the thing you aspire to be
money from the pit
to the pit money will return
never be money
never be mean
Mother was right
there is a whole world out there
but home is where we belong
get thee to a high place and contemplate the star-studded valleys
the lights can be beautiful, it just takes getting far enough away from them
the glimmering violence
the silent sex
the whoosh over the hills that is cars out to kill each other
but up here it is the hum of forward and backward movement
the forest of the mind
the sparkle in eyes of your gone youth
oh, sadness
and farewell to that gone youth
what the next step is can't be known
with youth, patience
now, growing old
not knowing is time
and time is money
evil, sour money
let money be not the thing you aspire to be
money from the pit
to the pit money will return
never be money
never be mean
Mother was right
there is a whole world out there
but home is where we belong
Softness
When softness takes hold, let it take hold
softness is one of those things that must not be taken for granted
granted you know it when you feel it
to some softness is a curse
and the hardness of life, a comfort zone
oh well, everybody is meant to find their own way and get by however they can
all to do is try
and all to do is love
with love we are lifted and lazily drifting along
like seeds on a breeze
some of us land in the soil
some of us land in the rocks
the rooftops
the sidewalks
wherever we land, as long as we catch up with the breeze again
to feel flight and forever softness
of cool mountain and ocean air
and to let softness be your life
until the end
softness is one of those things that must not be taken for granted
granted you know it when you feel it
to some softness is a curse
and the hardness of life, a comfort zone
oh well, everybody is meant to find their own way and get by however they can
all to do is try
and all to do is love
with love we are lifted and lazily drifting along
like seeds on a breeze
some of us land in the soil
some of us land in the rocks
the rooftops
the sidewalks
wherever we land, as long as we catch up with the breeze again
to feel flight and forever softness
of cool mountain and ocean air
and to let softness be your life
until the end
Balcony
Let me tell you about sitting on the balcony in the rain as it come down around the world
showering our hearts, wetting our minds to breath and masking our inherited sin and madness
of the night out there maybe the madness natural because the trees are mad
the river is surely mad
I can't hear that river through the rain, but know it kneels and lays out on the valley out there
under the bridge
madmen made the bridge and I drive over it, so I must be mad there with them
and I swim in the river even swim in the rain
I hear the showers of our loneliness
loud, like the showers of our togetherness
family, and alone
both envelope the balcony
and both are madness
then where is sense?
but all these trees make sense, and the waters
though horizontal or vertical
sense can be drawn out of the river
lifted through the trees into the sky
and cover the yard outside the balcony
with sense, each drop making sense when it lands
showering our hearts, wetting our minds to breath and masking our inherited sin and madness
of the night out there maybe the madness natural because the trees are mad
the river is surely mad
I can't hear that river through the rain, but know it kneels and lays out on the valley out there
under the bridge
madmen made the bridge and I drive over it, so I must be mad there with them
and I swim in the river even swim in the rain
I hear the showers of our loneliness
loud, like the showers of our togetherness
family, and alone
both envelope the balcony
and both are madness
then where is sense?
but all these trees make sense, and the waters
though horizontal or vertical
sense can be drawn out of the river
lifted through the trees into the sky
and cover the yard outside the balcony
with sense, each drop making sense when it lands
no fear just wonderment
no fear
just wonderment
taking it back to when things were sprouting up by the second
and keeping your eyes always twittering back and forth
waiting for the next wild thing to shoot up out of the horizon
and turn your world inside out
a new bug
a color of leaf you'd never seen
a blazing wildfire
howling forests at night
the ocean power
and nature struggle, without regard for you
but in front of your eyes, to the sides of your head
you, small
but feeling like a giant walking around the land
the Heavens looking down on you
and you looking down from the Heavens
your heaven
not knowing Hell
still bright as a new star, crackling to life upon the backdrop of the night
and burning across the morning for eternity
just wonderment
taking it back to when things were sprouting up by the second
and keeping your eyes always twittering back and forth
waiting for the next wild thing to shoot up out of the horizon
and turn your world inside out
a new bug
a color of leaf you'd never seen
a blazing wildfire
howling forests at night
the ocean power
and nature struggle, without regard for you
but in front of your eyes, to the sides of your head
you, small
but feeling like a giant walking around the land
the Heavens looking down on you
and you looking down from the Heavens
your heaven
not knowing Hell
still bright as a new star, crackling to life upon the backdrop of the night
and burning across the morning for eternity
Gray
Blistering evening, take me
the still California evening
carrying all the souls to their happiness or gloom
it is a gray night and I am locked into it with everybody else
for now
I remember feeling like this before
I don't remember when exactly
just remember feeling this way
both happy and sad
in between depression
and hope for the future
floating
somewhere on the plane between
living
and dying
gray evening, don't go dark on me just yet
I need to see in order to feel
the still California evening
carrying all the souls to their happiness or gloom
it is a gray night and I am locked into it with everybody else
for now
I remember feeling like this before
I don't remember when exactly
just remember feeling this way
both happy and sad
in between depression
and hope for the future
floating
somewhere on the plane between
living
and dying
gray evening, don't go dark on me just yet
I need to see in order to feel
Alphabet Exercise
A
- Available: Taken
- Age: 26 years
- Annoyance: Self Congratulation
- Animal: An even mix of adorable and ferocious
B
- Beer: Gimme, gimme, gimme
- Birthday: December 16th
- Best Friend: Alicia (girl), Andy (boy), Beer (liquid)
- Body Part on opposite sex: LEGS
- Been in Love: In love
- Been on stage?: Always on the cosmic stage
- Believe in Magic: Define magic...
- Believe in Santa: His name is Brad
C
- Candy: How could I forget her?
- Color: Black
- Chocolate/Vanilla: Vanilla
- Chinese/Mexican Food: An odd mix...I'll have a sweet and sour chicken enchilada
- Cake or pie: Pie, always
- Continent to visit: North America
- Cheese: Any and all
D
- Day or Night: Getting caught up in a night conversation so that I don't notice that it's suddenly morning
- Dancing in the rain: If by "dancing" you mean "running to get out of"
E
- Eyes: Brown
- Everyone's got: A monkey on their back
F
- First thoughts waking up: Will this be the last?
- Food: Seafood
G
- Greatest Fear: Death before readiness for death
- Goals: To do the best I can, to love without condition, to be kind, to know God
- Gum: All the time
- Get along with your parents?: Like old friends
H
- Hair Color: Dark brown
- Height: 6'2"
- Holiday: Christmas
- How do you want to die: With all those goals completed and realized
I
- Ice Cream: Green Tea
- Instrument: Jimmy Page and Neil Young's guitars, John Paul Jones' bass, John Bonham and Keith Moon's drums, Nick Cave and Elton John's piano
J
- Jewelry: Grandfather's Marine ring, eventual gold wedding band
- Job: Long past due for another
K
- Kids: 3 or more, someday
- Keep a journal: Trying to get back to it
L
- Love: Much love
- Letter: S, because without it my name would be Denni
- Laughed so hard you cried: When I tried to describe what a Dirt Shirt was to a couple perplexed friends
M
- Milk flavor: Milk flavored milk
- Movies: As long as I'm not in a movie theater with the general public
- Motion sickness?: That's what Dramamine is for
- McD’s or BK?: Give me Big Mac's or give me death
N
- Number: 13
O
- One wish: Motivation
P
- Pepsi/Coke: Beer
- Perfect Pizza: Casa Mia Chicken Pizza and Potato Truffle Pizza
- Piercings: No
Q
- Quail: Delicious
R
- Reason to cry: I'm sure there is
- Reality T.V.: Only ANTM and anything with Gordon Ramsey in it
- Radio Station: 790 AM and 870 AM
- Roll your tongue in a circle: I don't even understand the question
S
- Song: Lodi is the greatest song ever
- Shoe size: 11
- Salad Dressing: Blue Cheese
- Sushi: Anything
- Skinny dipped?: I think so
- Strawberries/Blueberries: Both
T
- Tattoos?: Skull and crossbones, raven
- Time for bed: When the time is right
- Thunderstorms: My favorite
U
- Unpredictable: Life
- Vacation spot(s): Where I can let my mind go
- Weakness: Name it
- Worst feeling: A bad hangover
- Wanted to be a model: A role model
- Worst Weather?: Sunny when you're down
X
- X-Rays: Saved my life
Y
- Yay or Yeah: Aren't they different?
Z
- Zoo animal: That tiger that killed those kids who were harassing him
- Available: Taken
- Age: 26 years
- Annoyance: Self Congratulation
- Animal: An even mix of adorable and ferocious
B
- Beer: Gimme, gimme, gimme
- Birthday: December 16th
- Best Friend: Alicia (girl), Andy (boy), Beer (liquid)
- Body Part on opposite sex: LEGS
- Been in Love: In love
- Been on stage?: Always on the cosmic stage
- Believe in Magic: Define magic...
- Believe in Santa: His name is Brad
C
- Candy: How could I forget her?
- Color: Black
- Chocolate/Vanilla: Vanilla
- Chinese/Mexican Food: An odd mix...I'll have a sweet and sour chicken enchilada
- Cake or pie: Pie, always
- Continent to visit: North America
- Cheese: Any and all
D
- Day or Night: Getting caught up in a night conversation so that I don't notice that it's suddenly morning
- Dancing in the rain: If by "dancing" you mean "running to get out of"
E
- Eyes: Brown
- Everyone's got: A monkey on their back
F
- First thoughts waking up: Will this be the last?
- Food: Seafood
G
- Greatest Fear: Death before readiness for death
- Goals: To do the best I can, to love without condition, to be kind, to know God
- Gum: All the time
- Get along with your parents?: Like old friends
H
- Hair Color: Dark brown
- Height: 6'2"
- Holiday: Christmas
- How do you want to die: With all those goals completed and realized
I
- Ice Cream: Green Tea
- Instrument: Jimmy Page and Neil Young's guitars, John Paul Jones' bass, John Bonham and Keith Moon's drums, Nick Cave and Elton John's piano
J
- Jewelry: Grandfather's Marine ring, eventual gold wedding band
- Job: Long past due for another
K
- Kids: 3 or more, someday
- Keep a journal: Trying to get back to it
L
- Love: Much love
- Letter: S, because without it my name would be Denni
- Laughed so hard you cried: When I tried to describe what a Dirt Shirt was to a couple perplexed friends
M
- Milk flavor: Milk flavored milk
- Movies: As long as I'm not in a movie theater with the general public
- Motion sickness?: That's what Dramamine is for
- McD’s or BK?: Give me Big Mac's or give me death
N
- Number: 13
O
- One wish: Motivation
P
- Pepsi/Coke: Beer
- Perfect Pizza: Casa Mia Chicken Pizza and Potato Truffle Pizza
- Piercings: No
Q
- Quail: Delicious
R
- Reason to cry: I'm sure there is
- Reality T.V.: Only ANTM and anything with Gordon Ramsey in it
- Radio Station: 790 AM and 870 AM
- Roll your tongue in a circle: I don't even understand the question
S
- Song: Lodi is the greatest song ever
- Shoe size: 11
- Salad Dressing: Blue Cheese
- Sushi: Anything
- Skinny dipped?: I think so
- Strawberries/Blueberries: Both
T
- Tattoos?: Skull and crossbones, raven
- Time for bed: When the time is right
- Thunderstorms: My favorite
U
- Unpredictable: Life
- Vacation spot(s): Where I can let my mind go
- Weakness: Name it
- Worst feeling: A bad hangover
- Wanted to be a model: A role model
- Worst Weather?: Sunny when you're down
X
- X-Rays: Saved my life
Y
- Yay or Yeah: Aren't they different?
Z
- Zoo animal: That tiger that killed those kids who were harassing him
California 1
California!
once daughter of America, beautiful bundle of joy
endless destiny
Western fields of Heaven to the sea
then the sea
golden and filled with the sun
never so bright, bursting through all darkness and resting on the land
like dust rests on the furniture, filling all the cracks and groves of
a new daughter for the new country
but daughters grow old and die
California!
dead or killed?
or simply wandered off?
the soul leaving behind a smoggy shell
like the skin of a California snake
and the soul, naked
leaping into the sea
and swimming West
once daughter of America, beautiful bundle of joy
endless destiny
Western fields of Heaven to the sea
then the sea
golden and filled with the sun
never so bright, bursting through all darkness and resting on the land
like dust rests on the furniture, filling all the cracks and groves of
a new daughter for the new country
but daughters grow old and die
California!
dead or killed?
or simply wandered off?
the soul leaving behind a smoggy shell
like the skin of a California snake
and the soul, naked
leaping into the sea
and swimming West
Cold
cold
hung up, holed up apartment blues and sick with
cold
fever
stuffy head
but always with a stuffy head
and never knowing what to do
the music and crash of living
always making the mind stuffy
where do the sounds come from
where do they go
cold
and shivering under the blankets
existence blankets
childhood pillow
spirituality sheets
that I keep meaning to wash
under the pile of life
muffled human misery
having a
cold
is like
having
a humanity chain
holding you firm to the dusk of earth
hung up, holed up apartment blues and sick with
cold
fever
stuffy head
but always with a stuffy head
and never knowing what to do
the music and crash of living
always making the mind stuffy
where do the sounds come from
where do they go
cold
and shivering under the blankets
existence blankets
childhood pillow
spirituality sheets
that I keep meaning to wash
under the pile of life
muffled human misery
having a
cold
is like
having
a humanity chain
holding you firm to the dusk of earth
the end of all that
another man
not mad visibly
but maybe madness is just life anyway
and some of us babble
and some of us give lectures
he walks with his dog, and kind of dances a little
out of complications with the knees or hip?
or out of the soul?
I can see how life can be long
and I can see where life will seem short
If I am the last to go
It will seem as if everything was just yesterday
If I go first
It will be too painful to think about all the things that could have happened
hopefully, there won't being any time to think about them and it'll be
bang
and then the end of all that
not mad visibly
but maybe madness is just life anyway
and some of us babble
and some of us give lectures
he walks with his dog, and kind of dances a little
out of complications with the knees or hip?
or out of the soul?
I can see how life can be long
and I can see where life will seem short
If I am the last to go
It will seem as if everything was just yesterday
If I go first
It will be too painful to think about all the things that could have happened
hopefully, there won't being any time to think about them and it'll be
bang
and then the end of all that
Madman
madman
they're trying to kill you
cart along the pain carpet laid before you
toward a sudden turn left
another left
another left
a final left
and back by my window again
this is the kind of carpet that only gets higher with age and madness of memory
like a syrup of
never shoulda been born
a lava of
were you there when your mother died
a paste of
wondering what would happen if you just went right suddenly
a swamp of
wonder no more
they're trying to kill you
cart along the pain carpet laid before you
toward a sudden turn left
another left
another left
a final left
and back by my window again
this is the kind of carpet that only gets higher with age and madness of memory
like a syrup of
never shoulda been born
a lava of
were you there when your mother died
a paste of
wondering what would happen if you just went right suddenly
a swamp of
wonder no more
Writing Exercise #1
Writing exercise #1: Type, type, and just keep typing the first inclinations, the first inspirations, and keep going until tired, hungry, or pulled away, but not bored.
go
into dusk, tree-lined
cavernous soul
fight wind, sleet, blizzard, buzzard, meanness
lost boy
can't reach the tops of the palms
but only brush the sides
toppling through eternity to a ground of sorrow
pain
lost girl
sorry for the years of living against her mother
waiting for the smiling planets to align, but they are!
but not smiling
and the play by play of life coming through the front door of the cafe
some were stoned, and more were not, but were limp
and the new drug is a cell phone pressed against the ear
ah, euphoria
more human voices all the time!
suck it up
the president wants us to watch him all the time
until his image and voice are hypno-presidential
and we fall back into a lazy swoon
drag our lost boy and girl feet through Neverland and forget how to clap
unless to bring back the light of a leader
leaders are lost in the world too
and maybe more lost for thinking they're the leader
sounds
like
somebody
is
ready
for
another
golden tongued
jam session
hmm?
I'm ready for a dip in an ocean
any ocean, so long as it's warm and the water is blue
and the cars are silent
and the birds are distant
and the deep is forgotten
and the shore is visible
and the people on the shore are in slow motion
and the people on the shore are taking their lives seriously
that's all I am ready for right now
and probably tomorrow
but that will be filled with ho hum, and sad eyes
and busy people and managers
the same as all other tomorrows
people in tomorrows are branches in a storm
loud, and shuffling settled dirt and bugs off through the air in all directions
people in today are winding down
and people in yesterdays are angels
angelic, yet evolved muck creatures to themselves
how sad
that it is stupid to exalt in Creation
and smart to love Chaos
forget that it is order that gives us
yesterday, tomorrow, today
it is merely the creation of mind that allows mind to call
yesterday, tomorrow, today
man
woman
child
responsibility
relationships
past, present, future
love
longing
loneliness
haunted nights
ambitious days
hospitals
graves
wartime
peace of mind
childhood
study
lazy afternoons
drive
constant death
constant birth
family
journeys
failure
salvation
to call these
accidents
takes Creation
go
into dusk, tree-lined
cavernous soul
fight wind, sleet, blizzard, buzzard, meanness
lost boy
can't reach the tops of the palms
but only brush the sides
toppling through eternity to a ground of sorrow
pain
lost girl
sorry for the years of living against her mother
waiting for the smiling planets to align, but they are!
but not smiling
and the play by play of life coming through the front door of the cafe
some were stoned, and more were not, but were limp
and the new drug is a cell phone pressed against the ear
ah, euphoria
more human voices all the time!
suck it up
the president wants us to watch him all the time
until his image and voice are hypno-presidential
and we fall back into a lazy swoon
drag our lost boy and girl feet through Neverland and forget how to clap
unless to bring back the light of a leader
leaders are lost in the world too
and maybe more lost for thinking they're the leader
sounds
like
somebody
is
ready
for
another
golden tongued
jam session
hmm?
I'm ready for a dip in an ocean
any ocean, so long as it's warm and the water is blue
and the cars are silent
and the birds are distant
and the deep is forgotten
and the shore is visible
and the people on the shore are in slow motion
and the people on the shore are taking their lives seriously
that's all I am ready for right now
and probably tomorrow
but that will be filled with ho hum, and sad eyes
and busy people and managers
the same as all other tomorrows
people in tomorrows are branches in a storm
loud, and shuffling settled dirt and bugs off through the air in all directions
people in today are winding down
and people in yesterdays are angels
angelic, yet evolved muck creatures to themselves
how sad
that it is stupid to exalt in Creation
and smart to love Chaos
forget that it is order that gives us
yesterday, tomorrow, today
it is merely the creation of mind that allows mind to call
yesterday, tomorrow, today
man
woman
child
responsibility
relationships
past, present, future
love
longing
loneliness
haunted nights
ambitious days
hospitals
graves
wartime
peace of mind
childhood
study
lazy afternoons
drive
constant death
constant birth
family
journeys
failure
salvation
to call these
accidents
takes Creation
Searching
searching
the travelers
pitter patter down the sidewalk his arm outstretched
pointing down towards the next thing
the destination
tally ho
this thing is a journey
searching
for the creator
longing for He that created my longing
and He longing for my companionship
all the big bang boom crashing of the waves of all the Heavens
and all the history and wars and man and woman
all so that he would have a friend
we travelers
traversing the misty night
are these water drops or tears?
pushing against the darkness
which does not push back, but gives
and allows that stupid force
but that is the force of life
nothing is easy
we lie at the end
searching
for an easy way out
of being born
the travelers
pitter patter down the sidewalk his arm outstretched
pointing down towards the next thing
the destination
tally ho
this thing is a journey
searching
for the creator
longing for He that created my longing
and He longing for my companionship
all the big bang boom crashing of the waves of all the Heavens
and all the history and wars and man and woman
all so that he would have a friend
we travelers
traversing the misty night
are these water drops or tears?
pushing against the darkness
which does not push back, but gives
and allows that stupid force
but that is the force of life
nothing is easy
we lie at the end
searching
for an easy way out
of being born
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