not one and not the other

one more tumbling mind-fuck into a drunk night
my stomach hurts
I often think that something is amiss in my body
liver? But I don't know what side that's on
the stomach itself? Can a boy drink himself dead at 26 through the stomach?
there are strange rumblings and pains
but still I drink
my fear is that I truly will become like the men I grew up in admiration of
the ones that wrote well and died with the drink in their bellies
sometimes I fear it so much that I'll die because (in fact) I don't even have a gal bladder anymore
but it doesn't stop me
and I push on towards either
good writing
or
painful death
God have mercy,
let it be both together
not one and not the other